Never Stop

I see things now like I never used to.
What I once thought to be mountains,
now seem like hills compared to this.
I don't understand myself,
The things I do.
Lord I love You with a deep love...
And yet I still fight with my sinful nature.

You, O' Lord, are helping me though,
And I am not giving up unless You give up on me.
My love for You runs deep,
The passion You have placed inside me runs like many waters into and endless ocean...
I long to be like You, my Father,
And I will keep fighting the good fight 'til then.

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?? t? O???v DG??g4 v?AIP? r???s??v?Au8(< ???3(< e?u??????i{ T???

nP?? )?y ?m/??o9(????u? D.??, ] ???y?? e?u :l/?????L ???4? j?A??{ b??eP;????azY> ???7(? ??dvy> ??????r?? ??} ?? q ?N?????? ?????? ??

Why?

Why, O' Lord. Just a simple one word question.
Why?
Why would you send your only begotten Son to die?
To die for a world that curses you.
A world that disregards you law.
A world that is led by the deceiver of the nations.
Why?
Why would you want me?
I thought I knew you...
I thought I did; yet I did not find joy in Your law.
Oh God, my God, why?
I am too worthless to be in Your glory!
I am sinful, my flesh eats away at my soul!
Why do You hold Your arms open?
Why, Lord?
Why have You done what You did?
Why?

Oh...
You created me...
You created us, in Your image nonetheless.
You created us as your friends, to have fellowship with...
But we fell from Your grace.
Oh...
You had a plan to restore a fellowship between You and us.
You could have just "poofed" it, but that would have interfered with choice...
So You had to take the scenic route, huh?

Because You love us. Thank You for Your undeserved love, mercy, and grace, my King.

The Sinner's Trap?

WARNING: This may offend some people.

Well for the past few months now I have been exposed to many teachings that I have not ever heard. Teachings that get me aggravated and make me wonder about things and commence prayer...

I have fought tooth and nail with this one particular teaching, but have now come to agreement with it. The Sinner's Prayer...

Now... for some that know me, this is how I (thought) I became saved. I said the words that someone else prayed over me and bam, salvation. There is one tiny little flaw that... in some deep thought... I realize took place... it was not until later I really repented and followed Jesus. It wasn't until later that I started acknowledging radical changes in me and my thinking. "What's your point?"
you ask... my point is: The Sinner's Prayer did not save me.

Being in the Christian recovery program I was in, we had devotionals every morning and evening, plus the Biblical teachings on recovery from sin infested lifestyles.
After the prayer that I prayed with my beloved counselor, i did indeed have more interest in Christ, but that interest was already growing before that. The more I learned and heard and read Scripture (faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ. Romans 10:17), the more I felt drawn to Him. Eventually (weeks after I said the Sinner's Prayer) convictions came and true repentance came (turning from). Today I know and am completely convinced of my salvation and that I am a child of God. Nothing can change that.

Eventually, the following biblical passage written to and inspired for lukewarm Christians became a popular tool for the conversion of non-Christians:

"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write: These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. ....Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest, and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me." (Revelation 3:14-20)

This passage was written explicitly for lukewarm Christians. Now consider how a lecturer named John Webb misused this passage in the mid 1700s as a basis of evangelizing non-Christians:

"Here is a promise of Union to Christ; in these words, I will come in to him. i.e. If any Sinner will but hear my Voice and open the Door, and receive me by Faith, I will come into his Soul, and unite him to me, and make him a living member of that my mystical body of which I am the Head." (Christ's Suit to the Sinner, 14)

Preachers heavily relied on Revelation 3:20. By using the first-person tense while looking into the sinner's eyes, preachers began to speak for Jesus as they exhorted, "If you would just let me come in and dine with you, I would accept you." Even heathens who had never been baptized responded with the same or even greater sorrow than churchgoers. As a result, more and more preachers of Christendom concluded that baptism was merely an external matter--only an outward sign of an inward grace. In fact, Huldreich Zwingli put this idea forth for the very first time. Nowhere in church history was such a belief recorded. It only appears in Scripture when one begins with a great cataract of nonsense. In other words, it only appears in the New Testament through the imagination of readers influenced by this phenomenon.

The Interactive Bible

My concern is for the sinners who aren't in an environment like I was in, who say the Sinner's Prayer and believe it to be all they need. Now... I realize that after the Sinner's Prayer, true repentance can and just might come, but in my opinion... that's like a 40/60 chance with the way this world is these days. Some might come to know God in an intimate way and have their lives changed, but others will think "OK well I am saved, awesome" and continue in sin forgetting about what just happened until someone else asks if they are saved.

It is clear in Acts chapter 2:37-38 that as Peter was preaching an awesome little sermon to the men of Judea and Israel that, "when they heard this they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, “Brothers, what shall we do?” And Peter said to them, “Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone whom the Lord our God calls to himself.”

Where has this gone in the modern day church?

End of the Dead Man

Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:6-7


This November marks the birth of my spirit. It's been one short and interesting year since becoming a follower of Christ. Last October also happened to be the month I was arrested for a felony in my foolishness.

The court hearings have been many, and dragged out. I tried filing for Differed Prosecution (no conviction or jail-time.) and that was a fail. So I then filed for Youthful Offender (lessened punishment and no records of a felony.) I finally had my last one. It has been a long test, as I can see now. And I believe, I have passed, not of my own strength though. I have spent well over 7-8 months pleading with God to not let me go to jail/prison. On my knees and on my face I have pleaded. But even in my desperation I also prayed that “Beyond what I am asking you, my Father... I would rather You do Your own will. Amen...”.

November 2nd I find myself reading some scripture before I head off to what I didn't even know was going to be the last time I visit that courtroom. I was reading the last chapter of 1st Peter. “Humble yourselves, and cast all your cares and worries unto God, because He cares for you.”. This spoke to me in a huge way. I realized that my worrying was a form of pride within myself, and that I should give them to Him and not worry about what may happen because it is in His hands.
I was supposed to read that.

Now at the courthouse. after about what seemed forever, my lawyer comes to me and we go out to talk. He showed me my felony papers and I reviewed them to make sure they were correct, and we headed back in the courtroom and he stops me and says, “You're pretty much guaranteed Youthful Offender, you have no opposition, so it's looking good for you.”.
We head in and I sit back down for a minute before I'm called up by the judge. I walk up and stand beside my lawyer and the district attorney awaiting the answer on the Youthful Offender. “You are being granted Youthful Offender.”, he said to me, and I was happy about that. Then my lawyer leans over to me and whispers that the judge is going to ask me to plead guilty, not guilty, or guilty by mental illness. He told me to go ahead and plead guilty.

Now my head was rushing, because I had no one there with me at all, and did not plan on any actual trial. I was caught completely off guard! Here it came...
“What do you plead Anthony?” The judge asked me. I decided to just do it, so I pleaded guilty.
He told me that I was looking at 1-2 years in jail and 3 years of supervised probation (which could have been much worse without the Youthful Offender mind you), asked me if I accept and I said yes.
He then asked the district attorney what he thought, and he pretty much said the same thing. So it was finished. I was going to jail, just like that. I had no idea this was going to happen, especially this soon. Everything became a blur as I started worrying in my head about what I was going to do... “How am I going to let my job know? All they knew was that I was gonna find out about my youthful offender!? This is going to kill my family, they had no warnings either!! What am I going to do?” Everyone in the courtroom was silent, as the judge wrote some stuff down on some papers.

In the middle of all the chaos in my head, I remembered the scripture that I read earlier. “Humble yourself, and give your worry to your Father, because He cares for you.”. At this, I silently gave what was going on to God, knowing that everything was under His control, and if He wills me to jail, then that is where I am going. I will accept it and make good of it.

Quietness was still present in the court after I accepted what was going on, until the judge all of a sudden asks me ,“Anthony, tell me a little bit about yourself.”.
Still kinda caught up in my head, I asked “What?”, and he asked again, “What do you do besides drugs?”.

I was taken aback by this random question, mainly because he just issued out my sentence. “What the heck made him want to ask me that?”, I thought to myself...
At a loss of words, I just told him what came to mind.

“Your honor, I don't really do any drugs anymore, I have no desire for them. After my second time in jail, I realized I needed some kind of help, and enrolled in the New Life Recovery center here in town. I graduated this March and now work full time at Lowe's.”.
There was still quietness so I went on...
” Now your honor, I am not going to use God as an excuse, or as a way to sway this judgment, but I am also a child of His. Since I started living for God, things have changed around me and in me your honor, I am not the same. I am willing also to accept whatever judgment you come to, and face it.”.

Again the quietness. I left it at that though.
The judge looked like there was something wrong. He looked like he was in deep thought and was troubled. A lady sitting at a desk in front of me looked like she was smiling at me and the district attorney was also smiling. The judge finally looks at me and tells me, “Why do you have to make being a judge so hard? I was really hoping to lay it down hard on someone today!(he laughs after that and smiles) Mr. Anthony, I will hold you to what you have attested to on this day, and I hope not to see you in here again, proving me wrong in my decision to let you be only be under Unsupervised Probation and to pay a monthly payment for court costs.”.
At this I just stared at him for a minute, trying to comprehend what he was saying, when he nodded and smiled, and said, “Your free to go, good luck to you.”.

In summary: I have no record of a felony because they demoted it to a misdemeanor. I have youthful offender, so nothing will ever show up. I don't have anymore court hearings. I am not going to be locked up. I don't have to report to anyone for my probation. All I really have to do , is pay a monthly $50 for court costs until it is payed off.

This was not luck. This was not human mercy. This was God. “Lord, please don't let me go to jail, I ask in Jesus name that you just let me have probation and court fines, please Lord, my Father...Amen”.
This was a real prayer, prayed by me tons of times throughout this year. And He granted it to me. All I had to do was learn that in all my worries, in the middle is pride. To give it all to God and accept extreme situations with a grateful heart, is to humble yourself before His feet.

Amen.

John 3:16

I did not make this, but it is beautiful:
------------------------------------------------------

A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner,
the people were in and out of the cold..

The little boy was so cold that he wasn't trying to sell
many papers.

He walked up to a policeman and said,
"Mister,
you wouldn't happen to know where a poor boy could
find a warm place to sleep tonight would you ?

You see, I sleep in a box up around the corner there and
down the alley and it's awful cold in there for tonight.

Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay..."



The policeman looked down at the little boy and said, "You
go down the street to that big white house and you knock
on the door. When they come out the door you just say
John 3:16, and they will let you in."

So he did. He walked up the steps and knocked on the
door, and a lady answered. He looked up and said,
"John 3:16." The lady said, "Come on in, Son.."

She took him in and she sat him down in a split bottom
rocker in front of a great big old fireplace, and she went
off. The boy sat there for a while and thought to himself:
John 3:16 ......I don't understand it, but it sure makes
a cold boy warm.

Later she came back and asked him "Are you hungry ? "
He said, "Well, just a little. I haven't eaten in a couple of
days, and I guess I could stand a little bit of food,"

The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a table
full of wonderful food. He ate and ate until he couldn't eat
any more. Then he thought to himself:
John 3:16 ......Boy, I sure don't understand it but it sure
makes a hungry boy full.

She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub
filled with warm water, and he sat there and soaked for a
while. As he soaked, he thought to himself: John 3:16 ......
I sure don't understand it, but it sure makes a dirty boy
clean. You know, I've not had a bath, a real bath, in my
whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in
front of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out.
The lady came in and got him. She took him to a room,
tucked him into a big old feather bed, pulled the covers
up around his neck, kissed him goodnight and turned out
the lights. As he lay in the darkness and looked out the
window at the snow coming down on that cold night,
he thought to himself: John 3:16 ......I don't understand it but
it sure makes a tired boy rested.

The next morning the lady came back up and took him
down again to that same big table full of food. After he
ate, she took him back to that same big old split bottom
rocker in front of the fireplace and
picked up a big old Bible..

She sat down in front of him and looked into his young face.
"Do you understand John 3:16 ?" she asked gently. He
replied, "No, Ma'am, I don't. The first time I ever heard it
was last night when the policeman told me to use it,"
She opened the Bible to John 3:16 and began to explain
to him about Jesus ..... Right there, in front of that big old fireplace,
he gave his heart and life to Jesus. He sat there
and thought: John 3:16 -- don't understand it, but it sure
makes a lost boy feel safe.


You know, I have to confess I don't understand it either,
how God was willing to send His Son to die for me, and how
Jesus would agree to do such a thing. I don't understand
the agony of the Father and every angel in heaven as
they watched Jesus suffer and die. I don't understand the intense
love for ME that kept Jesus on the cross till the end.
I don't understand it, but it sure does make life worth living.

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that he gave his only
begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should
not perish, but have everlasting life.

Protea

I recently had a brother in Christ on a huge Christian website tell me a prophecy about me. He claimed that he is sure it is his spiritual gift and he was testing it on people, so I volunteered. Needless to say, I am amazed. He is most assuredly blessed by God. Here is his word from God about me, and some commentary of mine (in italics):

Hi Nasuke,

Ok, here we go,

First thing I saw when I prayed for you was a Protea flower. The Protea are known for three things, beauty, hardiness and low maintenance. That is your characteristics.

I have a real sense that you are a person that is very easy to get along with and you do not require a lot from other people to keep you happy, hence the low maintenance part.

Amazing to me, because I am a really easy going guy, and I really honestly don't need much to be happy. I am very low maintenance.

You have a spiritual beauty the appeals to people and because of the Lord's presence in your life you find it easy to relate to other people and make friends easily. This is due to the evangelistic anointing on your life.

Honestly, people do seem to really like me for some reason. I know now that I am a born again Christian that it must be the Spirit of God in me, and through the Spirit and the things that I have been through, i find it incredibly easy sometimes to talk with people on level ground.



You have a heart for lost people and want to see them being made whole and come into the Kingdom of God.
I think you also have a heart to see sick people healed and bound people set free.

Very much so. So much it makes me want to cry sometimes. Whether it is someone I love or even just somebody who I know is lost. It hurts me for some reason, I can't explain it. And I am getting to the point where I can witness Christ and hopefully at least get thoughts going in their minds.

This is all part of the evangelism anointing and I urge you to read and meditate on Mar 16:15-18, this is very applicable to you and I feel that it is a desire of your heart to move in the miraculous power of God.

Very much so. I find myself often wondering why I don't hear of many miracles being performed in Jesus name by Christians. It's our roots, that is how we started. Where did the power of God go? I do not believe it has gone anywhere, but is still here. And I strive to get to a point where I may glorify God by working amazing miracles in His name and bring multitudes to His embrace. This is, after much thought, my desire.

This will happen in the time to come but for now the word I hear is "Patience". there is a training process that needs to take place and once the Lord decides that you are ready He will commission you.
One of the characteristics of the Protea flower is it's hardiness and God is in the process of cultivating a greater hardiness in you to enable you to flourish in even the most difficult circumstances.

Patience is one of the many words that come to me from the Holy Spirit when i pray about His plans for me. And I do feel something in my heart that tells me the next couple of years are going to be interesting for me and my new life in Christ Jesus.

I really feel that He has great things in store for you and I see in the future that you will be a person who He is going to use to channel many, many people in into the Kingdom of Heaven!

This makes me choke up every time I read it.

A word of caution though, the process of being trained is not always a easy one. There will be times that you will feel that you missed the call on your life and that nothing is happening. Always remember the Lord is in the process of cultivating hardiness in your life, this will mean that you must learn to stick with it! Never give up! All you have to do is to stay close to the Lord and He will take care of the rest. If you do that, He will move heaven and earth to make you reach your calling!

This chokes me up too.

That is it!

Please give some feedback whether you relate to this or not.

Be Blessed!

I am, and God bless you.

I need a word beyond irony.

Are you saved?
Does the power of the Holy Spirit flow in you?
Do you know that you know that you know you are a Child of God?
A true Christian?
A Christian is a person who follows the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth, the Lamb who God sent to die for our sins.

If you are past the elementary principles of Christ, you know that one of the many evils that God despises is homosexuality. Guy on guy, girl on girl. An abomination to God Himself (You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination. Leviticus 18:22), and it is most definitely one of many sins that will terminate you from Heavens Gates unless you repent,turn from! not just apologize:
Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, 10nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God." 1 Cor. 6:9-10

"For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, 27and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. 28And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper."Rom. 1:26-28

It's perfectly clear that, IN BOTH Testaments/Covenants, homosexuality is not tolerated by God. Many homosexuals are lucky that God hasn't dealt with them in the same way He did in the OT.

What I absolutely do not understand is how people love to twist God's Word to what THEY want it to be. The world wants to change God's words and meanings into something more suitable to its sinful desires.

It takes really and truly seeking Jesus and repenting to see the Truth and want to follow the Truth that so many people without a Right Spirit run from.
A Christian is a person who follows the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth...
Why call yourself Christian and do things that are detestable to God? Things that are clearly stated as sin?
I need a word beyond irony.

Yay for Enoch

I got my copy of the Book on Enoch today (actually two copies on accident, hehe) and I am very happy. Of course I got my copy of the Apocryphal collection of books last week I think, but the main one I was looking forward to was 1 Enoch.
There is so much in it that I believe will help me understand the things I feel drawn to learn. The Nephilim, Angels and Demons, other spirits, visions... probably more than that. I am excited. I pray God will give me discernment reading this and the Apocrypha.

Frail Clay Jars

Today I realize the fragility of human life. Today I wish that everyone would.

“How long has it been since you repented? I mean truly repented? If I may ask.”

“Well it's been about at least three years now...”

“I think it's time to do it again.”

“Oh don't worry, I plan on having a long and serious talk with Him.”

This is a conversation between me and my boss man. He had to have a check-up for cancer a couple weeks ago and they found something. It turns out it's not cancer, but something just as deadly. His life expectancy is 57, and he's 49.

'And Jesus went throughout all the cities and villages, teaching in their synagogues and proclaiming the gospel of the kingdom and healing every disease and every affliction.' Matthew 9:35 ESV

My Grandmother is in the hospital right now with a continuing heart attack that has been going on since 5am the day before. Of course she hasn't had the greatest of health for a past 3-4 years but this time it may be it.

Again, the fragility of life. People don't realize that their life on this earth is not forever. I think especially in today's culture, a lot of people forget that. And what is even worse is that these same people probably don't know Christ.

Look... I am not a “fanatic” (not in the worlds definition at least) but I have experienced the awesome power of God so many times since I confessed Jesus Christ that if I lied saying God is not real I would probably hang myself like Judas did because of the guilt he had from betraying Jesus. I can't imagine saying that, I can't imagine living without Him either.

What I am trying to say is... stop waiting. God is real. If you have had someone witness or talk about Christ around you, that was God trying to get your attention. It's time to get His.

My hand laid the foundation of the earth,
   and my right hand spread out the heavens;
when I call to them,
   they stand forth together. Isaiah 48:13

All the time God is good, God is good all the time.

So another great Sunder is here and about to be gone for me. Sometimes I really have no idea why these days go by so friggin quick like they do, but I try to remember God is in complete control of it so I "try" not to complain.
Unfortunately my Grandmother who has been fighting with health problems for a good couple of years had a heart attack this morning and she is in the hospital. her report was not good, she has a continuous heart attack going on. Very scary. Don't expect her to be in this life much longer...
I'm praying that she has accepted Christ into her life...

Other than that bad chunk of news, I feel spiritually on fire again. I've had alot of interesting and awesome revelations and experiences lately and it is so interesting to me. I want to go out witnessing to the lost so bad... I try to at work, but not to the extent I would like to.
Some just don't listen to you, some don't care. Some will get offended somehow. Some will actually think about it.

Well I'm back off to the hospital.
Pray for my family please.
God bless.

Dreaming of Being Awake

All before me as a rain of fire,
These pains are near and far.
Show me Your face,
Clean my mind,
I claim innocence...

Inside my flesh, You reign.
Electricity in my sinews...
Every nerve on end...
Thoughts are clear...
All I can think of...
Is You.

This moment of tranquility,
This second that seems like a year,
This blurring of the lines,
I seek.
I seek Your face upon me.
Please look upon Your servant...
Hungry, scared, entombed in his own mind,
A laborer of fruits he does not want to bear.

Scared of things unknown,
Nonetheless I know You are here with me.
I know you are in lead of me...
behind me...
and beside me...
My Perfect Shield.

Give me understanding,
Do not hide Your face from me, Lord.
Just as when Penuel was named,
For jacob said;
"I have seen God face to face,
and my life is preserved.".
I am sealed, but...
I have yet not laid eyes on You.

If Your glory takes my life,
It would only be passing into Life with You...
Thus I don't fear.
Electrifying is Your touch.
I am still alive in You,
I am alive forevermore in You.

Though I am dead, You are the only thing alive in me.
Dead and alive I am...
Do not hide Your face from me, Lord.

Mirror

I wake up and look in the mirror
See You in me so strong
Remember the promise You made
That You will perfect me
Cracks are in this mirror
Inside a glimpse of a dead man in chains
The cracks trail like an army of ants
Like a snake around the glass
Will You let this choke me?
Will You take these cracks and repair them?
Will You leave me forever warring against myself?

You Make Me Mad

Hello, how are you doing today?
Ruin any relationships?
Make a person fall from grace today?
You deceiving worm, I'm just tired.

You crawl up my back and veil my eyes.
When i'm not looking you come and like a muse inspire the evil of my flesh.

Someday, when all is said and done, you will burn, and I will not be with you.
So I just wanted to let you know, you make me angry.
You may know everything about me, but you know nothing of what Christ is turning me into.
So get behind me and watch the wonders He does in the heart He gave.

You may know who I used to be, but you know nothing of who I'm becoming.
In Jesus Name.

A Little Bit About Me

Intro:
Well this is mainly about my encounter with God. Haha.

I am a child of His, a servant, a slave. Proudly.
After all the crap (sin!) that I lived in before He called, I am nothing but grateful.

Into the Dark:
I grew up knowing there had to be a God. But never really knew anything of being saved or born again so never went further with it.
I studied witchcraft/Wicca, all the "gods" involved, never ever had any fire for it though. But I was looking for something.

I got into psychedelic drugs around the end of 2007 still looking for "something". It started out simple enough. The places I saw, the journeys in the depths of my mind... they still from time to time intrigue me.
I went all out with them.

As time went on I ended up losing my job. I was living with my Aunt at the time because me and my step dad got into a pretty bad fight and I decided it was time to get away from him. Me and him never got along. He expected alot from me, when I did not fullfill those expectations, he abused me... or found ways to get me angry so he would have a reason to abuse me. That last time though I had enough...

Never Be Enough:
I moved in with my aunt and got a job at a retail store working full time. But lost it due to my becoming addiction to escaping reality. I found ways to continue my drug use... I wanted phsycedelics but could not find nor afford the street ones, and found out about DXM, the main ingredient in cough medicines. When taken in high doses, has dissassociative pcshycdelic effects (PCP, Ketamine, LSD). Now after doing it a couple times I found it the most enjoyable thing ever. 6-8 hours of complete ego-loss. No sense of self. Sometimes I was in a completley different world fading in and out of this world and the world in my mind.

Well I got addicted. I was stealing it, buying it when I could. I got a job at a Lowes store and was messed up all the time through orientation. (I still have this job.) My aunt wanted me out of her house after awhile and I moved in with my Mom, and continued on my road to destruction.

Doin' Time:
I was walking down a street one day early the next year, I recently dosed two Zicam cough mist spray bottles (popping the sprayer part off and stomaching the liquid inside). I also took 4 benedryls, so I was out of it...
Well I wasn't the only one who knew I was messed up. Someone saw me puking on the side of the road and stumbling so they called the authorities. Needless to say, my first night in jail.

After that I tried to stop using, but to no avail. A month afterwards I started using again. And of course, landed myself right back in jail. (same cell block and all! hah)
After I got out family members were urging me to get help, and interestingly enough my Uncle runs a Christian Recovery Center. He came and talked to me and after much debating I decided I should go. I worked it out with Lowes and everything was cool.

I was not looking forward to the christian stuff I was going to be exposed to but I needed help and this place was cheap (but rich in spirit).

The Call:
A week in the program, the counselor/teacher talked to me about salvation and repentance. I thought it sounded like bullox but I felt a strong strong tug in my heart, and it was unnerving to me. I felt like "something" was urging me to go forward, to open my heart, to let go. And I did.
Now it wasn't anything magical... but I did feel a... "something"... after I accepted Christ Jesus. Days went on and I wasn't sure what happened or what will happen, all I knew was that "something" happened.

The Cleaner:
Little things started happening in me, my cursing became rare to none (used to curse like a sailor), I was happy, I loved opening my bible, I was excited about churchy stuff, I enjoyed alot of things I used to hate... started hating things I used to love. Christ was working in me though the Holy Spirit and He was making dramatic changes in me.

Anywho, I graduated the program 4 months ago, i've been Born Again for 7 months, and I am still learning so much. I am so happy about what He has done in me, and maybe soon I will post a link to my old blogger... it's like a split personality...
Godbless!
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::I might be adding more to this bear with me::

Walking Shell (old)

The Time is near, I can't even hold.
This prison I've lived in for so long, I need out...
You've showed me the Way,
You've given me hope and a Light.
Yet I feel there is more.
More than anything I want to be perfect in Your eyes.
More than anything... but I fail. I can't.
With You anything is possible, yet when the old comes, I am blind.
Blind until I see again, and am filled with remorse and anger.
Without You I am a walking shell of clay with no purpose.
Please don't leave me, My God.

Μέσω της ρωγμές (Through the Cracks)

I see the truth now, I see it clear.
The things that You show me break my core.
All this time, these things that have been told me,
What am I to believe but You?
I need Your wine, no substance on Earth can fulfill me.

Bring me to my knees as i should be, for glory is You.
Forgive my misled heart, take it and place it upon the anvil.
Mold it, reshape it, cleanse it.
My heart is wicked in all its ways...

But my soul God!! My soul it longs for You.
A never ending hunger, quenchable for only a short time.
I extend my hands to You, in effort to grab a hold of Your hem...
Only to find myself needing the Blood over and over.

But I see through the cracks now, and I fear not.
For I know You will guide me. I know You will love me when no one else may.
Give it Lord. All You have to give.