You Make Me Mad

Hello, how are you doing today?
Ruin any relationships?
Make a person fall from grace today?
You deceiving worm, I'm just tired.

You crawl up my back and veil my eyes.
When i'm not looking you come and like a muse inspire the evil of my flesh.

Someday, when all is said and done, you will burn, and I will not be with you.
So I just wanted to let you know, you make me angry.
You may know everything about me, but you know nothing of what Christ is turning me into.
So get behind me and watch the wonders He does in the heart He gave.

You may know who I used to be, but you know nothing of who I'm becoming.
In Jesus Name.

A Little Bit About Me

Intro:
Well this is mainly about my encounter with God. Haha.

I am a child of His, a servant, a slave. Proudly.
After all the crap (sin!) that I lived in before He called, I am nothing but grateful.

Into the Dark:
I grew up knowing there had to be a God. But never really knew anything of being saved or born again so never went further with it.
I studied witchcraft/Wicca, all the "gods" involved, never ever had any fire for it though. But I was looking for something.

I got into psychedelic drugs around the end of 2007 still looking for "something". It started out simple enough. The places I saw, the journeys in the depths of my mind... they still from time to time intrigue me.
I went all out with them.

As time went on I ended up losing my job. I was living with my Aunt at the time because me and my step dad got into a pretty bad fight and I decided it was time to get away from him. Me and him never got along. He expected alot from me, when I did not fullfill those expectations, he abused me... or found ways to get me angry so he would have a reason to abuse me. That last time though I had enough...

Never Be Enough:
I moved in with my aunt and got a job at a retail store working full time. But lost it due to my becoming addiction to escaping reality. I found ways to continue my drug use... I wanted phsycedelics but could not find nor afford the street ones, and found out about DXM, the main ingredient in cough medicines. When taken in high doses, has dissassociative pcshycdelic effects (PCP, Ketamine, LSD). Now after doing it a couple times I found it the most enjoyable thing ever. 6-8 hours of complete ego-loss. No sense of self. Sometimes I was in a completley different world fading in and out of this world and the world in my mind.

Well I got addicted. I was stealing it, buying it when I could. I got a job at a Lowes store and was messed up all the time through orientation. (I still have this job.) My aunt wanted me out of her house after awhile and I moved in with my Mom, and continued on my road to destruction.

Doin' Time:
I was walking down a street one day early the next year, I recently dosed two Zicam cough mist spray bottles (popping the sprayer part off and stomaching the liquid inside). I also took 4 benedryls, so I was out of it...
Well I wasn't the only one who knew I was messed up. Someone saw me puking on the side of the road and stumbling so they called the authorities. Needless to say, my first night in jail.

After that I tried to stop using, but to no avail. A month afterwards I started using again. And of course, landed myself right back in jail. (same cell block and all! hah)
After I got out family members were urging me to get help, and interestingly enough my Uncle runs a Christian Recovery Center. He came and talked to me and after much debating I decided I should go. I worked it out with Lowes and everything was cool.

I was not looking forward to the christian stuff I was going to be exposed to but I needed help and this place was cheap (but rich in spirit).

The Call:
A week in the program, the counselor/teacher talked to me about salvation and repentance. I thought it sounded like bullox but I felt a strong strong tug in my heart, and it was unnerving to me. I felt like "something" was urging me to go forward, to open my heart, to let go. And I did.
Now it wasn't anything magical... but I did feel a... "something"... after I accepted Christ Jesus. Days went on and I wasn't sure what happened or what will happen, all I knew was that "something" happened.

The Cleaner:
Little things started happening in me, my cursing became rare to none (used to curse like a sailor), I was happy, I loved opening my bible, I was excited about churchy stuff, I enjoyed alot of things I used to hate... started hating things I used to love. Christ was working in me though the Holy Spirit and He was making dramatic changes in me.

Anywho, I graduated the program 4 months ago, i've been Born Again for 7 months, and I am still learning so much. I am so happy about what He has done in me, and maybe soon I will post a link to my old blogger... it's like a split personality...
Godbless!
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::I might be adding more to this bear with me::

Walking Shell (old)

The Time is near, I can't even hold.
This prison I've lived in for so long, I need out...
You've showed me the Way,
You've given me hope and a Light.
Yet I feel there is more.
More than anything I want to be perfect in Your eyes.
More than anything... but I fail. I can't.
With You anything is possible, yet when the old comes, I am blind.
Blind until I see again, and am filled with remorse and anger.
Without You I am a walking shell of clay with no purpose.
Please don't leave me, My God.

Μέσω της ρωγμές (Through the Cracks)

I see the truth now, I see it clear.
The things that You show me break my core.
All this time, these things that have been told me,
What am I to believe but You?
I need Your wine, no substance on Earth can fulfill me.

Bring me to my knees as i should be, for glory is You.
Forgive my misled heart, take it and place it upon the anvil.
Mold it, reshape it, cleanse it.
My heart is wicked in all its ways...

But my soul God!! My soul it longs for You.
A never ending hunger, quenchable for only a short time.
I extend my hands to You, in effort to grab a hold of Your hem...
Only to find myself needing the Blood over and over.

But I see through the cracks now, and I fear not.
For I know You will guide me. I know You will love me when no one else may.
Give it Lord. All You have to give.